i made a 'my favorite guided by voices songs' mix

2011, living in the past....just for a sec.

i just sent off a 2011 list to tobi, for jigsaw. I'd already been hitting the coffee pretty seriously by the time it was finished, and found myself thrown deep down the nostalgia rabbit hole that i kind of spend most of my time teetering on the brink of. so, i the spirit of self indulgence, which, as far as i can tell, is the spirit of blogging itself, here is my extended list of the shit that made 2011 a seriously intense and amazing year:

Going through a gnarly breakup: I quit my job, I moved out of my apartment, I started seeing a therapist, I spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling from the futon. I realized how it felt to have boundaries crossed and manipulated. I noticed my own shitty patterns. I walked out of a tornado and a year later, I can barely make out what happened. Maybe I don't ever want to go through that again, but at least I came out the other end.

Crude Thought and Hysterics- They rule. These are my two favorite bands to see live.

12:01 January 1st, 2011 at Dumpster Values- i think this charmed my whole year. So many lady drummers working this amazing sound. So cool to feel like the new year was coming in on some kind of positive, powerful wave. I went home after this and puked. At the time, I didn't feel so great about that, but maybe with a year between us, I can look back more fondly and see it as some kind of gross and positive omen.

azealia banks' "212"- this song got stuck in my brain and all i wanted to do was listen to it over and over again. it seemed to me that every time it was reviewed or mentioned, folks were seriously hung up on how raunchy it was. it doesn't seem that raunchy to me, but maybe just because i've listened to it a thousand times? (I guess, no more or less raunchy than anything else). this was the song that warmed me to people when they liked it, and cooled me to people when they just didn't get it.

the nuts release party- everyone put this show on their list because it was a seriously magical day. my favorite part was being there early, seeing all of these people visiting from out of town while all the kids were running around and playing in the space with the sun shining and bands starting to play. reading everyone elses' descriptions of the night, i feel a little square, but that was the part that made me feel so happy-- watching people trickle in and out as the crowd slowly grew, hanging out with buddies, children and grown ups and everyone really stoked to be there. also, i feel like a square a lot of the time, but whatever, i'm my own little weirdo, and i live my life differently than other people and they than mine, and i-t-s-n-o-t-a-b-i-g-d-e-a-l-!

the CLPP (Civil Liberties and Public Policy) conference at Hampshire College- I was able to go to this conference while I was on the East Coast this past April, and it totally blew my mind. So many people gathered together to fight for reproductive justice, it was so empowering and exciting. The panels and workshops were all super exciting and informative, but the closing plenary was seriously electric-- academics and activists were standing up in their seats to chime into a discussion that exploded into something beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. The auditorium was completely packed with people, and what had been presented as a panel discussion totally morphed into this amazing and totally positive and excited and deeply important talk on race, gender, sexuality, privilege and oppression... it felt so wonderful to be in a space and see this conversation modeled in such an inclusive and responsible way, to be surrounded by so many strong and brilliant people.

The end of the Red House- fuck, this could have been such a bummer. It's pretty miserable to walk by the house now and see it looking so sad with it's salmon-pukey paint and nothing going on. hanging out with gina and joey by the paddling pool and yardsale, walking up to the house with everyone milling around i the sun...I wish I could burn that days' feelings into my mind, so even if I somehow forget how much that house and the people who lived in it shaped my life in this town, i'll at least have some shock waves to lug around with me. Damn, that house was one of my favorite places in the world. drinking old english on the roof with marty, sleeping in april's bed, hanging out on the couch, shows in the basement, talking about boys with gina, cooking dinner and trying to find a clean dish....

Love and Rockets- I know this is absolutely not specific to 2011, but I spent a while this autumn tuned out from the rest of the world, drinking coffee and reading Locas. I guess if this is on the list, I've got to round it out with everything else that made me feel sentimental/nostalgic/unstoppable:
Erick Lyle's "on the lower frequencies"
Al burien's "Things are meaning less"
Trini Dalton's "Wide eyed"
this zine called "riding freight trains across the country is not the only way to risk everything with your friends"

Mother News and Doris- talking about tiny ponies with friends everywhere who've all read that issue of doris has made with world feel a little more connected. I am always so stoked to get the new issue of mother news in the mail and find batman and feel so relieved that this is out there.

rotating house game night - thanks to ben russel, lucy and chris and others for helping make this autumn and winter more bearable. i love playing apples to apples with people who hate the policestate.

wugazi- have you heard this? my friend danielle's date showed it to us while we were all hanging out, talking about woowoo vibes in the pacific northwest. My favorite tangent of 2011.

Gina's "Shit's fucked" zine- this might be the best zine I've read this year. So simple and so helpful (especially in the sense that when I read it, I feel like I'm sitting in the same room as my long-lost, gone-to-california buddy). This is some real talk self help.

Running with my mom- I wish I could have done this earlier, when my mom could still run further, but I didn't, so that's that and this is wonderful. I love visiting my family and going on runs around New York with my mom. She's got so many years of experience finding funny little routes and I love chatting with her as we go.

Easter Weekend- Blair, Caroline and Kendra made this one of the most memorable buddy hangouts of my whole life. Seriously the best day ever.

I guess there's probably more, but here are some of the things that I wanna take care of in 2012..

-I'd like to set myself a running goal. I was thinking 1000 miles in 2012, but maybe that's pushing it? 20 miles a week? I can do it. there we go. 1000 miles in 2012!!!

-I'm going to take better care of my time. I'm sick of feeling drained and overworked. Fuck that, I'm working food service and it isn't worth it. I want to go back to school in September and live my life for myself.

-I'll think of more later

--oh, i just did! I'm gunna write better letters this year!




you got anything? does anyone read this? what are you going to do next year? what ruled so hard this past year? when was the last time you brushed your teeth? I JUST WANNA KNOW WHATS UP!???!?!?

What I did today: best day ever?

1. Woke up and talked to Brandon on the phone.
2. Thought some intense thoughts and walked downtown. Wrote down intense thoughts.
3. Running Club.
4. Buffet Club.
5. Listening to Another Clean EP that came in the mail today. Drinking a pot of French Press.

things that i'm interested in, just in general

1. making mixtapes off youtube: the nerves, the urinals, the verlaines, the saints, jewel....
2. elephant six covering flying nun.

i guess really elf power's nothing's going to happen in it's entirety..
3. The Silver Surfer
4. Embroidery
5. Tweaking out pretty hard on too much coffee
6. My dear diary bedroom.
7. not writing things down
8. thinking about boys, abstractly
9. ignoring a vague sense of impending doom and dissatisfaction, choosing instead to focus on the manic optimism of recent astrological predictions from the stranger's horoscopes.
10. fully lacking any motivation to drag myself out of bed in the morning and do anything other than listen to music on the internet and cruise ebay for nothing special.

and, as a secret aside into my life, i've been having to talk myself down from having a second pot of coffee in the morning.

1. just made vegan rugelach for erika's going away party
2. all i do is listen to academy fight song

tonight, brandon and marty and i founded the post-apocalyptic film club. we watched road warrior and talked about smoking pot and doing drugs and battle royale. then we looked up other killer klassics to watch in the future. it is our favorite film genre, so it's a good thing that we found one another in this cold, cruel world. what lucky duxxx.

i'm going to move in with lauren and judd next month. i'll miss this silly old house, but marty's going to move into my room and i'll still come and hang out here. it'll be nice to be on the west side again. i'm really going to miss living with brandon, because he is a nice friend and roommate and i like sitting around shooting the shit in the evening.

i bought a dead moon best of album today and it rules so hard. so does roky erikson and this one neil young song.


we made caramel corn tonight and it was so amazingly good.

melt one tablespoon butter in pan, add a cup of sugar and a bit of milk. stir over med. heat. add salt and vanilla. pour over popcorn.

i ate a lot and my stomach is probably going to feel bad in the morning.

Monday, September 10th. Great.

Right now I'm sitting in the Kill Rock Stars Warehouse, updating my blog and drinking coffee with a shot of espresso in it. I'm listening to Al Green's cover of I Wanna Hold Your Hand. Did you know that it's possible to listen to the greatest music ever made in the same place? just type "silver abuse" into last.fm and listen to "similar artists". I'm probably not supposed to be here, but I am going to do some mail order so it is not an abuse of privileges. I am not having a good day. I'm listening to This American Life to make myself feel better. I don't know if it will work. It was hot today, and I didn't do much except sweat and talk to people I only know a little bit. Also, did you know that only one person responds to my letters really consistantly?Two if you were to count my mother. I'm not going to. So, one.

I keep thinking of stupid romantic things, and it's probably because I'm tired and grumpy. I guess I should go to the gym tomorrow. I keep looking at jobs on the internet, and I think if I want to do something real I need to move to Seattle or Portland. So I don't know...It's not a choice I really want to make-- I like Olympia right now, and I don't know much about Seattle or Portland.

I'm not homesick, I'm just feeling down. I kind of miss the wowhaus with my room with all of my stuff and people to talk to and lounge with.

I'm reading Slouching Towards Bethlehem by Joan Didion and I think she ends her pieces really well. It makes my heart sieze up.

summer's end: all i listen to is the talking heads.

this morning, i saw my first fallen leaves of the year. it was a major shock, but I'm doing fine. i had the day off work, pretty much. I biked downtown this morning to give some CDs to stereo total's tour manager and then rode out to lacey along the bike trail. I went to Michaels to pick stuff up for "the worlds smallest baked potato", the stupid movie i've decided to make.

it's been a little weird these past few days: Jon moved to Seattle and Alexia went back to France. I went to a wolves in the throne room show at Caliope last night that had a bonfire, and it was pretty awesome. Today Brandon opened up the pizzeria for a bit and I had dinner with him and his friend Jeff. I also bought a book on gardening and DIY photography stuff. We're going to turn the broken bathroom into a darkroom, and I'm still determined to build a photobooth this winter. So yeah. Lots of projects to keep busy with--who needs friends when you've got complicated projects? Not me. It's mad scientist all the way from here on out. It's raining cats and dogs right now, and I am happy to be inside. I think I might go and eat some chocolate.

what the heck fest, and my dreams for the future

while the rest of the world jetted between 77boardrums and pitchfork and ibeza, I made it to what the heck fest on friday night--no one would cover my shift on saturday night, and i am broke, so it was a one night stand for sure, but it was fun and hot and I don't regret a thing. I would have taken more pictures, but I am shy about using digital cameras unless I am drunk, so here's this one:
Of all of the nights to stay, I like to tell myself that I lucked out. Whether or not this is just a self congratulatory analysis of the circumstance, I was able to see some lovely music, and all for $5, incidentally.


Bobby Birdman
I think that he is such a babe, plus he's got such a crooning voice ANNNNDDDDD he is not playing solo any more, so that was cool. and i haven't seen him play since that econ major totally fucked up his set my sophmore year and matt and lincoln were heckling.

Lloyd & Michael
Kate from Dear Nora is in this band, and it was ever better than I expected. I was sitting with a bunch of freshly met and friendly individuals, and the music was so cozy, and there was free tea and coffee, so it all added up pretty well.

Mecca Normal
I always thought I really detested Mecca Normal, but I was lying to myself I guess, because it turns out that I don't. My plan to sit in the park and write letters, drink soda and eat candy was cut short by the jarring absence of chic-o-stix from the 7-11 and more importantly, the fucking rain. I am glad that I did not make a stubborn decision, because instead of sitting outside in the rain sulking, I realized I have a new band to like AND I stayed warm and dry.

Calvin Johnson
Sang a really funny song about a movie theatre.

The Blow
Totally bummed me out. I think I was getting pretty cranky by the time she went on, but everytime I felt like dancing, the feeling left me, and I wanted to reach for my cane and snap at the ankles of all the young whippersnappers flailing all around me. There were a couple of boys who kept holding their hands up like Parenthesis during that song, and it was much more infuriating than it should have been. My expectations were pretty high for the night, since last year I danced so hard that I had to nap in the car afterwards, as I'd worn myself out.

Dennis Driscoll
Makes my heart melt.
------this guy was a sailor who had just shipped into anacortes, who was wondering why there were so many hip kids milling around. we met him as we walked past a book store talking about harry potter, and he said "did you say something about stealing harry potter?" and then lifted up his shirt.
-------------
So, post-Heck Fest, I was dropped off at the pizzeria and began my shift, which totally sucked because of lake fair. I was getting a serious contact high from all the baked teenagers who couldn't make up their minds, and then there were snotty little brats skipping the line to tell me they had to pee and needed the bathroom key. After work, I met up with that guy, who was bummed out, and I managed to convince myself that I probably had a lot of feelings for him, an opinion which I have now amended and hope to never return to, as I think he's a moody jerk and he doesn't like me anyway. well, perhaps not a jerk, but moody and inconsiderate. and he doesn't care for me, just calls me up when he's bummed out.

so yeah, i went from total awesome weekend, straight back into bummed about boys. i think the perfect solution would be to stop thinking about boys, but they are literally everywhere (except women and trans night at the bike shop, and probably ladies night at mccoys), and it seems that I have morphed into a horny twelve year old1.

I AM MOVING ON FRIDAY THANK GOD.


1 This sort of relates to a conversation recently had regarding the heart-melting way that teenage couples hook onto one another like octopus (octopuses? octopi???).

look at these photographs

This is the charming dude that I embroidered on the back of my tshirt. he is about 2 inches across and dead center.













This guy on the right is simply a gratuitous photograph of my cluttered room, and is also meant to show off the records i bought at a yard sale for $.25 each (john lee hooker! edith piaf! ancient country recordings!!!!!!).














this is my filthy room. i am a slob and it's just something you're going to have to deal with if you actually care about me. if i had my druthers, i would while away the rest of my days at yardsales, picking through piles of cast off junk and convincing myself that I really need another old thermos, cat painting or pair of gingham overall shorts.

here are two of the books that i have made so far, shown with a photograph of a chimpanzee playing roughly with a bear cub.

I am doing well, which is cool. I mean, not RIDICULOUSLY well, but I'm happy little thing still, so that's alright. I've dealt with easier things than figuring out how I feel about all this boy trouble, but I've also dealt with more difficult situations, and since I am a grown up, I will continue to take this all in stride, with only momentary lapses into moping around.

the important news in my life is that i am moving out of my coffin room, and into a lovely house with brandon and craig. brandon and i are arranging a brilliant bike ride to seattle, which will obviously rule. there is no use providing details here, as i doubt that my meager reader base includes anyone within a trillion miles of olympia.

I am going to a dance party tonight, and am decked out in a new pair of shorts, although without a mirror, I cannot tell if I look like your mom at the beach, or a hottie with a body. Luckily, I don't care at all, and am just hoping that I will not be too scared to join in the dancing.

I like living in Olympia, WA because it is pretty and warm and the people are really great and there are not many of them, so it is easy to feel very popular and in the know, as it is impossible to avoid running into them all at once.


i am listening to evan dando, predictably, and he is still a total babe.

40 hours of travel, not enough naps

I arrived in Olympia on the afternoon of June 10th, and there were sunshowers, which felt pretty epic and important. I immediately hopped on the wrong bus and was almost whisked away to some shitty place where my house is not at. Luckily, the crisis was averted and yours truly was saved. So I scoped out the house and dropped off my suitcase, got take out from saigon rendezvouz and hopped on the greyhound. On the bus, I grappled with such supremely mindblowing questions as:

Do people around me know that this is fake meat I am eating?
Wouldn't it be cool to get matching tetris tattoos with someone you're pretty keen on?
Why am I going to Los Angeles?
Should I just get off in Portland and hang?
Have I drank enough water?
Have I drank enough soda?
Do my feet smell?
I smell really bad, don't I?

Obviously, this sharp little mind of mine has no trouble grappling with truly pressing issues and concerns, even when sitting on a greyhound for 25 hours, listening to a skipping cd player and reading David Foster Wallace,who, by the way, is an out-and-out genius as far as I'm concerned, mostly because of his epic and poignant footnotes. I wish I knew how to make footnotes on the internet, as this would have been a good opportunity for an homage.

An exciting story from my vacation, actually two, and both from last night:

1. As Allison and I drove towards downtown Los Angeles, on the freeway, the car began to slow down. As I was not at the wheel, and have little idea as to how cars actually do what they do, I assumed this was on purpose. Sadly, I was wrong, and we had actually run out of gas. I also had to pee. We decided to hop out of the car and look for a gas station. We asked the first car we found, asking directions from a woman who didn't speak english, and her 10-year old son. We started walking, when all of a sudden, they pulled up, asking if we wanted a bottle of gasoline. Long story short, this awesome family totally went out of their way to lend us a hand and helped us siphon gas into a car pulled over on the shoulder of a busy freeway. I fell desperately in love, not like that's uncommon. Also, throughout all this, Allison and I looked remarkably like prostitutes, as we stood on the corner wearing dresses, trying to ignore the cars that slowed down and asked if we needed a lift.

2. The second time I fell in love was at Amoeba, where the clerk in a slayer shirt was a total babe who talked about Jonathan Richman, and instead of holding a conversation about Massachusetts, and potentially asking what on earth people actually DO in Los Angeles, I didn't. Also, in retrospect, I have absolutely no idea if he was really a babe or not, which is obviously arbitrary anyway, since he complimented my purchases, and was into Jonathan Richman and Slayer. So, duh.


My suntan is still a sunburn, but it'll fade. I'm bussing it back to Olympia tomorrow, with my darling bicycle this time. Woot Woot!