ok. tomorrow i will try harder to not feel crushed out for no reason and look at someones facebook page a ton.

I spent the entire month of february in central america and damn, that ruled. i wrote some letters that i didn't send until i got home, i took some photos, mostly of one basketball game in guatemala and i bought some things and ate a lot of cookies! met some rad people and learned some spanish, was very independent and read books like a maniac. i did not put sunscreen on, quietly hoping for a little tan, and i got one.

i came home and worked speedily to set up psychic sister, the freshest vintage clothing store in olympia, wa. i started running again, except for the day after i got so drunk and smoked so may cigarettes and had difficulty dragging myself out of bed before noon. i stopped working at magic kombucha and started working at psychic sister. i worked on my graduate school application, had some social panic about it and cried a bit by myself, then bought a train ticket to portland to hand it in in person, which is what i did all day yesterday. amtrak is way nicer than greyhound, and now that i'm a boring adult, i can appreciate the pleasures of legroom and a viewing car with big windows more than the pleasures of hanging out with other weirdos on the run.

i didn't clean my room for 2 weeks and my brother's been really sick so i've spent most of my free time worrying about ollie or watching the simpsons.


here's my diary entry from my first day in guatemala. i wrote on everyday.

"Feb 2nd: I've made it! Sitting inbed right now, at Evan and Brightons house after a long day of traveling. Took a red eye last night, landed in Mexico city and the lines were so long through Customs! Thought that i would miss my flight! made it w/a few moments to spare but got confused and had to give up my facewash cause i didnt check my bag. Landed in guatemala city at 8:30am and took a taxi to the bus station, then read in the waiting room for 1 hour, got on the Alamo bus to Xela and 4 hours later, I arrived and Evan picked me up! Thank god for Patti Smith's book! What a page turner! So much better than I thought it would be!
Evan and I walked around and went to the markets...so cool! I'd left my wallet at home, looking forward to going back with it. Really excited to learn Spanish, feeling very embarrassed by not being able to understad what people are saying to me.
It definetly makes such a nice change to stay with friends at the start of a long trip-- feel so welcome and happy to be here. Had the nicest long walk around town and feeling a bit blah, but not as bad as Brighton and Evan, who both have some kind of stomach bug,
We made a blackberry crumble and it was very tart. Looking forward to waking up tomorrow, drinking some coffee, reading and exploring some more. Gunna read myself to sleep now!"


tada! BOOORRRRINNNG!

i watched the holy mountain at 12:15 am with kendra. The latest I've been awake in months, unless you're counting vacation. I feel like possibilities are just pawing at the ground, lurking in the shadows of the near-future just out of sight, and i'm scrambling to draw them close and stare them down and see what they're made of, but they just scamper away the moment I brush up against them. I'm quitting my job to force them out from the dusk, to shine a spotlight into the corners and give myself to potential.

no sleep in brooklyn

oh gawd, i can't listen to the replacements if i'm trying to fend off worry and an aching heart.

calder's (steamin')circus

lately: bowled over by waves of sentimental horseshit and nostalgia. spending money on books that make my heart seize up. listening to Alex Chilton and left of the dial on repeat. Gawd, I can barely even stand it! Spend a few days in Providence, totally into it. Don't have time to figure it out, gotta get to the farmers market

an i hate new york day

this morning I went to dreamland exhibit at the MoMA with Oliver. By the way (and Oliver, I

hope that this doesn't embarrass you), one of the things I love most in the world about my twin brother is hearing him play Benny and the Jets on the piano whenever we're at our parents house. Anyway, this dreamland exhibition was so rad. It was super small, which bummed me out a little-- I wanted it to be gigantic and lose-yourself expansive. It brought me back to the feeling I had the first time I looked through Delirious New York, realizing how mystical and magical an imagination of a city could really be. It was so different from any kind of urban theory I'd ever known before. I remembered that I bought Collage City by Colin Rowe and Fred Koetter right before I left Olympia, so I pulled it out from the jumbled mess of books I've got going, and that shit is tttiiiiiigghhhhttt! Here's some superstudio pictures from the internet:


ps: just to keep this thing legit, online journal style, I'm feeling super lonely and finicky today and I just can't seem to shake this crazy funk. Someone sent me flowers today , but I'm feeling too down and out to let my spirits get lifted. Sleep it off and be pumped tomorrow.

so I've been trying to find a consensus or mediation training workshop or skillshare. I'm sure there's something out there, but in the time being I've been having a really fun time doing internet research. I've stumbled across a few articles, journals and websites that deal with radical teaching. Here's an article on working towards a non-hierarchical classroom that I liked. Some of my favorite classes at Vassar were team taught, and I think that within an interdisciplinary major, that helped to complicate traditional classroom hierarchies. I'd like to read more about different ways of disrupting classroom dynamics and working with a more consensus-based structure.

Here is a website with a lot of writing on consensus and meeting structure

On Conflict and Consensus: A handbook on formal consensus decisionmaking

Skillshare

I'm still feeling weirdly homesick. This morning I spent 4 hours doing inventory at a toy store in exchange for free yoga classes. kind of awesome. I just spaced out and counted dinosaur puzzles and books about pirates and farm animal friends. I picked up a job application for this fancy bakery. I ate a lot of soy ice cream and caramel tonight and I feel so achey from it. Now I'm going to write a letter to Gina!

going back to new york city, going to feel the wind in my hair. going to come back to the northwest feeling whole and happy again. already excited.

mom and i have plans. she'll pick me up at the airport at 8am and we'll get breakfast at the waverly for old times sake on my part. we'll go to museums and the hospital and enjoy the time we spend together.

erika and anna and chris and i have plans. we're going to fall in love with each other, at least, that's what my plans for the trip home are. i'm going to fall hopelessly back in love with everyone. life in olympia's been bumming me out. i feel sad and empty a lot of the time. i think about boys a lot, and not enough about the things that will make me happier.

back to olympia! pancakes at midnight!

my nail polish is cracking off and i'm leaving for the airport at 4:30. i'm Horovitz-late, which means I won't actually get anything done that needed to happen, namely bidding tearful goodbyes to ridiculously beloved friends. I'm a fickle beast, and now i think I could make a cozy little hole for myself here. Ten minutes back home and I'll either be terribly homesick or will have totally forgotten I'd ever left. I had an omelet for breakfast and all this dairy I've been eating has made my throat so sore and I'm also getting fatter. I'll wait til I get home to detoxify myself.


my unfunny new years resolution is to lighten up and start doing all of the things i used to do that were fun and stupid and bad for me.

this is a mixtape that i made for jean that is indubitably like me at 14, 15, 16 and not very much like me now. I was all caught up in the 4am feelings, and nothing could shake it save the sober morning light. I'm sending it anyway, on principle.

SIDE NUMBER ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE
1. Lyn Taitt- Soul Food
2. Pavement- Here
3. Sonic Youth- Tuff Gnarl
4. Unwound- No Tech!
5. 311- Prisoner
6. Thee Headcoatees- Ce Plan Pour Moi
7. Jonathan Richman- Give Paris One More Chance
8. Palace Brothers- I Send my Love to You
9. Herman Dune- These Arms of Mine
10. Velvet Underground- I'll be Your Mirror
SIDE NUMBER TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO
1. Woody Allen- Lost Generation
2. Telephone- Le Vadou
3. Dictators- Sleeping With the TV on
4. Xray Spex- Germ Free Adolescence
5. Lee Ronaldo- The Bridge
6. Smog- Rock Bottom Riser
7. LCD Soundsystem- New York I Love You, But You're Bringing me Down
8. The Smiths- How Soon is Now?


i'm in new york and my mom is out of the hospital. I sewed a handkerchief this evening. I'm feeling really guilty about going out, so I haven't really hung out with anyone. Maybe I will go out tomorrow night. Brandon called me on Christmas when He, Hallie, Craig and Emily were watching movies at our house. It made me homesick. I'm feeling a bit lonely and bummed out as well. I'm eating brunch with Ollie and Uncle Sol tomorrow, and then to the MoMA with Colleen. Perhaps we will call Drummer and pretend it's Olympia.


It's time for this little sourpuss to get off the internet and curl up with a lovely book before bedtime. happy 2:45 am.

i've got a walkman, no ipod.

i'd like some mix tapes for my birthday. old hip hop or girl groups from days gone by. december 14th. i'll be 22. gosh.



i walked to work today listening to the shangri-las and it was pretty awesome. kenny tested out the birthday pizza and it was very tasty. i am tired all the time, i bet it's from eating so much sugar. the film festival is in full swing, but i didn't have to volunteer tonight, thank goodness. i'm going to be visiting the east coast in a few weeks, but i'm too sleepy right now to mention much. it'll be nice to see some of my charming friends and my darling family after 6 long months of separation, plus i'll be able to gallop around some familiar cities again. i'm getting a bit worked up just thinking about how much i miss it all. it's a shame how much time i spend thinking and talking about myself and how little time i spend doing anything creative or worthwhile. shake your heads in disapproval, some things need to change.

brandon and i are starting a book club concentrating on novels that have been made into movies. we plan to read, watch, discuss, repeat. so far we have not invited any cute boys to join, but i truly believe that these are the sort of intellectual pursuits that get you laid.



i did finish reading Jonathon Franzen's How to Be Alone, and I really, really enjoyed it. Every tiny little thing. I think I might be a little in love. I'm a little ashamed of the things I'm drawn to-- straight pop, through and through-- but like I said, there's been too much space in my head dedicated to mediocre self analysis, and it's stopping right now.

goodnight, i'm asleep now.

iconic moments from the 20th century, reenacted by glasgow senior citizens.

jeffrey lewis's history of punk rock on the lower east side, available for download, on the internet.


Tiny Pineapple

apartment hunting

sometimes i'm unhappy in olympia. these are places i'd like to call my own.

in boston


in austin
New York
San Francisco
Portland
Philadelphia

if you're reading my life on the internet, you should leave a comment.

Look, to keep things on a positive note, I've been reading a lot of craft blogs. you know, on the world wide web. These blogs, on top of the regular dorky vegan cooking blogs I usually read, are really blowing my mind as to the totally brilliant and awesome things that people are doing in the world. for instance, had you ever thought of crocheting a squid? or cross stitching princess toadstool onto the sleeve of your dress shirt?

I've been making some pathetic attempts to emulate the crafting genius that lives on the internet, and so far, I'm falling pretty short. My Woody Allen embroidery is messy and not very convincing, and my funny little doodle embroideries pale in comparison to the epic portraiture of the interweb.

so yeah. I'm going to see if I can get some of the books I've made consigned at dumpster values. I went on a jog this morning and rode my bike up the hill twice. I've been feeling really weird about some things, so I'm trying to tire myself out and keep my mind off of things I'm better off not dwelling on. I think I'm going to see Spider and The Webs play with Sex Vid tonight. Whatever, Who Cares, this is SUMMER VACATION.



bummer, though, man. I miss hanging out with friends. Don't forget about me if you're out there, reading this in cyberspace. I've also got an actual, real life couch that I'd love for you to snuggle up on if you feel like paying me a visit*.


*offer only extended to actual friends and not any old person who stumbles over here.

Terribly Homesick

I have settled into my mini-room in Olympia. I am ridiculously and pathetically homesick. If you happen to be on my extensive list of mail-recipients (and I don't know why anyone who didn't know me would read this), you can look forward to receiving a whiny and depressing letter, detailing my limited experiences so far. Some of the highlights including :

walking to and from downtown a few times a day.
wondering if people notice that I'm always walking to and from downtown.
chastising myself for wondering if people are noticing me.
wondering if people think I'm a weirdo for walking around so much.

It's the sort of beautiful cycle of thought that only occurs when one spends immense amounts of time alone and without aims or goals. Perhaps, as any number of people have told me in the months leading up to this move, Olympia was not the best possible destination. It is too early to tell, but it's on my mind. I've also found myself overly concerned with "bothering" people, which has so far translated into not getting in touch with anyone I knew last summer, and having my feelings hurt that my house was not demolished in a mad rush of people trying to hang out with me. So, in the end, I know I'm being pretty ridiculous and more than a little self-centered, as well as quite impatient and unrealistic. But still.