san francisco! san francisco! san francisco!

I'm moving closer to the sun, to smile at babies and grapefruit. God damnit, I am terrified of the entire future!

Ohmygod, I forgot how awful it feels to be so hopelessly LONELY. It's in my fucking bones!

i don't know where i'm expecting to get a ride to, but i've been checking the craiglist rideshare a few times a day as i do my embarrassing internet sweep of weird recipe blogs, pictures of shoes, youtube videos, missed connections and free stuff. I guess I've replaced new job and new house with getting the hell outta dodge.

i'm also on cup of coffee #2, and i can feel the nervousness setting in. i don't really have enough time to go running today, but i think i might have to if i can't shake this feeling (that i seriously brought on myself and am entirely responsible for). I've been running a lot recently, and my mornings have begun to follow this script:

SHE WAKES UP. SQUINTS AT CLOCK, CAN'T SEE IT THROUGH CLUTTER ON DESK, DOESN'T CARE. STARTS TO CARE, SITS UP IN BED TO SEE CLOCK, REALIZES THAT THERE'S NO STOPPING IT NOW AND SHE'S AWAKE. 7AM. LIES HEAD BACK DOWN AND STARES AT CLOCK FOR HALF AN HOUR. THEN,

(internally) hannah: i don't want to go running today. i don't need to. i can take a day off.

SHE THROWS OFF THE BLANKETS, LEAVING THEM CRUMPLED ON HER BED AS SHE GOES TO WASH HER FACE. FROM THERE, SHE HEADS TO THE KITCHEN WHERE SHE MAKES COFFEE. RETURNS TO THE BEDROOM WITH MUG AND SITS IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER TO READ BLOGS, FACEBOOK AND PLAY SCRABBLE (BADLY). FINISHES CUP OF COFFEE, BRIEFLY EXITS, RETURNS WITH FULL MUG.

HALFWAY THROUGH SECOND MUG,

(internally) hannah: oh no. i feel weird. i drank too much coffee. I've gotta go running. just a short run.

PUTS ON RUNNING CLOTHES AND SHOES, EXITS. RETURNS AN HOUR LATER, DRIPPING WITH SWEAT, HAVING RUN 6 MILES WITHOUT PLANNING ON IT AGAIN.





i've also expanded my dreamdate to include BOTH watching a meteor shower and eating sugar cereal, as opposed to the previous one or the other scenerio. gotta dream big to fall in LUV!

tonight, brandon and marty and i founded the post-apocalyptic film club. we watched road warrior and talked about smoking pot and doing drugs and battle royale. then we looked up other killer klassics to watch in the future. it is our favorite film genre, so it's a good thing that we found one another in this cold, cruel world. what lucky duxxx.

i'm going to move in with lauren and judd next month. i'll miss this silly old house, but marty's going to move into my room and i'll still come and hang out here. it'll be nice to be on the west side again. i'm really going to miss living with brandon, because he is a nice friend and roommate and i like sitting around shooting the shit in the evening.

i bought a dead moon best of album today and it rules so hard. so does roky erikson and this one neil young song.


we made caramel corn tonight and it was so amazingly good.

melt one tablespoon butter in pan, add a cup of sugar and a bit of milk. stir over med. heat. add salt and vanilla. pour over popcorn.

i ate a lot and my stomach is probably going to feel bad in the morning.

In the airport (and i'm fucking b-o-r-e-d!)

My flight to Minneapolis doesn't take off until 12:55. I wasted $6.50 on sushi that I couldn't eat and then wasn't allowed to get a refund. What kind of crazy moron puts eggs in vegetarian sushi????????!!!!!!

i guess i should have asked to read the ingredients...

I bought a copy of allure magazine, and realized that I'm not the target audience. I don't want to highlight my hair, and I have little faith in the ability of lipstick to radically alter either my looks or my outlook on life. I am so sleepy, which means that I am so cranky, but I can't board my stupid plane for 45 more stupid minutes and I bet I will never find a nice boy to make eyes at ever again in my whole entire life for the rest of eternity.

what the heck fest, and my dreams for the future

while the rest of the world jetted between 77boardrums and pitchfork and ibeza, I made it to what the heck fest on friday night--no one would cover my shift on saturday night, and i am broke, so it was a one night stand for sure, but it was fun and hot and I don't regret a thing. I would have taken more pictures, but I am shy about using digital cameras unless I am drunk, so here's this one:
Of all of the nights to stay, I like to tell myself that I lucked out. Whether or not this is just a self congratulatory analysis of the circumstance, I was able to see some lovely music, and all for $5, incidentally.


Bobby Birdman
I think that he is such a babe, plus he's got such a crooning voice ANNNNDDDDD he is not playing solo any more, so that was cool. and i haven't seen him play since that econ major totally fucked up his set my sophmore year and matt and lincoln were heckling.

Lloyd & Michael
Kate from Dear Nora is in this band, and it was ever better than I expected. I was sitting with a bunch of freshly met and friendly individuals, and the music was so cozy, and there was free tea and coffee, so it all added up pretty well.

Mecca Normal
I always thought I really detested Mecca Normal, but I was lying to myself I guess, because it turns out that I don't. My plan to sit in the park and write letters, drink soda and eat candy was cut short by the jarring absence of chic-o-stix from the 7-11 and more importantly, the fucking rain. I am glad that I did not make a stubborn decision, because instead of sitting outside in the rain sulking, I realized I have a new band to like AND I stayed warm and dry.

Calvin Johnson
Sang a really funny song about a movie theatre.

The Blow
Totally bummed me out. I think I was getting pretty cranky by the time she went on, but everytime I felt like dancing, the feeling left me, and I wanted to reach for my cane and snap at the ankles of all the young whippersnappers flailing all around me. There were a couple of boys who kept holding their hands up like Parenthesis during that song, and it was much more infuriating than it should have been. My expectations were pretty high for the night, since last year I danced so hard that I had to nap in the car afterwards, as I'd worn myself out.

Dennis Driscoll
Makes my heart melt.
------this guy was a sailor who had just shipped into anacortes, who was wondering why there were so many hip kids milling around. we met him as we walked past a book store talking about harry potter, and he said "did you say something about stealing harry potter?" and then lifted up his shirt.
-------------
So, post-Heck Fest, I was dropped off at the pizzeria and began my shift, which totally sucked because of lake fair. I was getting a serious contact high from all the baked teenagers who couldn't make up their minds, and then there were snotty little brats skipping the line to tell me they had to pee and needed the bathroom key. After work, I met up with that guy, who was bummed out, and I managed to convince myself that I probably had a lot of feelings for him, an opinion which I have now amended and hope to never return to, as I think he's a moody jerk and he doesn't like me anyway. well, perhaps not a jerk, but moody and inconsiderate. and he doesn't care for me, just calls me up when he's bummed out.

so yeah, i went from total awesome weekend, straight back into bummed about boys. i think the perfect solution would be to stop thinking about boys, but they are literally everywhere (except women and trans night at the bike shop, and probably ladies night at mccoys), and it seems that I have morphed into a horny twelve year old1.

I AM MOVING ON FRIDAY THANK GOD.


1 This sort of relates to a conversation recently had regarding the heart-melting way that teenage couples hook onto one another like octopus (octopuses? octopi???).

11:53 am: arrive in Seattle, WA. 7:30 tomorrow: arrive in Los Angeles, CA. This is going to be a long and complicated something, but when the dust clears, I'll be taking up residence in Olympia, WA, once more. I miss Boston, I miss New York, I miss Vassar College, I wonder if this is a poorly thought out decision. I suppose I wouldn't be my fathers daughter if I wasn't nervously rethinking this all at the last moment. Airport!