How many times have you stumbled upon the resolutions you made to stop doing what you're doing with your life? After all these years, I'll still eat chips and cold miso soup for dinner, standing alone in the kitchen at dusk with the lights off and the fridge open. I'll still answer the phone when I know it's my father calling, and I won't hang up until it's too late to salvage the day. I'll still put off laundry 'til two weeks from the the last time I put off laundry. I'll still wipe off my lipstick before I leave the house, and feel better that way

Blind dates, working in food service, and confusing infatuations: lessons never learned.

nothing to report

i'm in love with boston, massachusetts, and i'm never going to stop feeling that love. long ago, it seeped into the cracks and crevices of my heart. the slab and the stairs by the fens, the kitchen at lawn street, the practice space next to stevies, the final miles of the chinatown bus route from new york city...that shit sticks like tar. I never want to scrape it off.


maybe i'm so tired, maybe it's too close too home, maybe whatever...but I can't seem to move past the sinking in my stomach at the names of those familiar streets or the flashes of places i've biked and walked through a million trillion zillion times, pooled with blood and fear.

I'm having a really hard time working through to the big picture, having a really hard time thinking relatively.

2011, living in the past....just for a sec.

i just sent off a 2011 list to tobi, for jigsaw. I'd already been hitting the coffee pretty seriously by the time it was finished, and found myself thrown deep down the nostalgia rabbit hole that i kind of spend most of my time teetering on the brink of. so, i the spirit of self indulgence, which, as far as i can tell, is the spirit of blogging itself, here is my extended list of the shit that made 2011 a seriously intense and amazing year:

Going through a gnarly breakup: I quit my job, I moved out of my apartment, I started seeing a therapist, I spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling from the futon. I realized how it felt to have boundaries crossed and manipulated. I noticed my own shitty patterns. I walked out of a tornado and a year later, I can barely make out what happened. Maybe I don't ever want to go through that again, but at least I came out the other end.

Crude Thought and Hysterics- They rule. These are my two favorite bands to see live.

12:01 January 1st, 2011 at Dumpster Values- i think this charmed my whole year. So many lady drummers working this amazing sound. So cool to feel like the new year was coming in on some kind of positive, powerful wave. I went home after this and puked. At the time, I didn't feel so great about that, but maybe with a year between us, I can look back more fondly and see it as some kind of gross and positive omen.

azealia banks' "212"- this song got stuck in my brain and all i wanted to do was listen to it over and over again. it seemed to me that every time it was reviewed or mentioned, folks were seriously hung up on how raunchy it was. it doesn't seem that raunchy to me, but maybe just because i've listened to it a thousand times? (I guess, no more or less raunchy than anything else). this was the song that warmed me to people when they liked it, and cooled me to people when they just didn't get it.

the nuts release party- everyone put this show on their list because it was a seriously magical day. my favorite part was being there early, seeing all of these people visiting from out of town while all the kids were running around and playing in the space with the sun shining and bands starting to play. reading everyone elses' descriptions of the night, i feel a little square, but that was the part that made me feel so happy-- watching people trickle in and out as the crowd slowly grew, hanging out with buddies, children and grown ups and everyone really stoked to be there. also, i feel like a square a lot of the time, but whatever, i'm my own little weirdo, and i live my life differently than other people and they than mine, and i-t-s-n-o-t-a-b-i-g-d-e-a-l-!

the CLPP (Civil Liberties and Public Policy) conference at Hampshire College- I was able to go to this conference while I was on the East Coast this past April, and it totally blew my mind. So many people gathered together to fight for reproductive justice, it was so empowering and exciting. The panels and workshops were all super exciting and informative, but the closing plenary was seriously electric-- academics and activists were standing up in their seats to chime into a discussion that exploded into something beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. The auditorium was completely packed with people, and what had been presented as a panel discussion totally morphed into this amazing and totally positive and excited and deeply important talk on race, gender, sexuality, privilege and oppression... it felt so wonderful to be in a space and see this conversation modeled in such an inclusive and responsible way, to be surrounded by so many strong and brilliant people.

The end of the Red House- fuck, this could have been such a bummer. It's pretty miserable to walk by the house now and see it looking so sad with it's salmon-pukey paint and nothing going on. hanging out with gina and joey by the paddling pool and yardsale, walking up to the house with everyone milling around i the sun...I wish I could burn that days' feelings into my mind, so even if I somehow forget how much that house and the people who lived in it shaped my life in this town, i'll at least have some shock waves to lug around with me. Damn, that house was one of my favorite places in the world. drinking old english on the roof with marty, sleeping in april's bed, hanging out on the couch, shows in the basement, talking about boys with gina, cooking dinner and trying to find a clean dish....

Love and Rockets- I know this is absolutely not specific to 2011, but I spent a while this autumn tuned out from the rest of the world, drinking coffee and reading Locas. I guess if this is on the list, I've got to round it out with everything else that made me feel sentimental/nostalgic/unstoppable:
Erick Lyle's "on the lower frequencies"
Al burien's "Things are meaning less"
Trini Dalton's "Wide eyed"
this zine called "riding freight trains across the country is not the only way to risk everything with your friends"

Mother News and Doris- talking about tiny ponies with friends everywhere who've all read that issue of doris has made with world feel a little more connected. I am always so stoked to get the new issue of mother news in the mail and find batman and feel so relieved that this is out there.

rotating house game night - thanks to ben russel, lucy and chris and others for helping make this autumn and winter more bearable. i love playing apples to apples with people who hate the policestate.

wugazi- have you heard this? my friend danielle's date showed it to us while we were all hanging out, talking about woowoo vibes in the pacific northwest. My favorite tangent of 2011.

Gina's "Shit's fucked" zine- this might be the best zine I've read this year. So simple and so helpful (especially in the sense that when I read it, I feel like I'm sitting in the same room as my long-lost, gone-to-california buddy). This is some real talk self help.

Running with my mom- I wish I could have done this earlier, when my mom could still run further, but I didn't, so that's that and this is wonderful. I love visiting my family and going on runs around New York with my mom. She's got so many years of experience finding funny little routes and I love chatting with her as we go.

Easter Weekend- Blair, Caroline and Kendra made this one of the most memorable buddy hangouts of my whole life. Seriously the best day ever.

I guess there's probably more, but here are some of the things that I wanna take care of in 2012..

-I'd like to set myself a running goal. I was thinking 1000 miles in 2012, but maybe that's pushing it? 20 miles a week? I can do it. there we go. 1000 miles in 2012!!!

-I'm going to take better care of my time. I'm sick of feeling drained and overworked. Fuck that, I'm working food service and it isn't worth it. I want to go back to school in September and live my life for myself.

-I'll think of more later

--oh, i just did! I'm gunna write better letters this year!




you got anything? does anyone read this? what are you going to do next year? what ruled so hard this past year? when was the last time you brushed your teeth? I JUST WANNA KNOW WHATS UP!???!?!?

tomorrow at 10:30am, i'm hangin up 218 old photographs at the capitol theatre. i'm supposed to hang up 250-300, but two of the rolls of film that i'd planned on developing got exposed to the ravages of the sun and totally perished. this has been a weird experience for me. my mom nicely went through my old bedroom and found all of the squirrel hoards of photos i'd buried over the years. i've been staring at these hundreds of photos a lot over this past week and it's starting to feel like the kind of nightmare intro from an old timey cartoon where you descend into a swirling maelstrom of cackling math teachers and bicycles (which reminds me, suddenly, that there weren't any pictures of cathal and my halloween costumes from 2006 or 2005, can't remember...whichever one where we were an owl and speed racer), except i'm stuck at the moment right before you touch down and the alternate dream narrative/hefelumps-and-woozles-song-and-dance-number kicks in. just staring at all of the ominous pieces of history without any of the in between moments to wind them together into any kind of thread-of-a-story.

so here's some stuff i've learned about this very particular documentation of my past:
-i often stick my finger in front of part of the lens
-we got wasted a lot in highschool
-i smoked like a chimney
-i took a lot of photos of my closest friends, many of whom i don't hang out with anymore....paola, ariel, cara...
-group shots are always really boring
-alexia is really funny
-i only have 10 friends

uuuhhhh, sorry i haven't scanned any of the good ones, so you'll just have to take my word for it, but i HAVE managed to have captured some pretty ok moments. not 218 of them, there's a lot of filler....but, whatever.

OH! also! i figured out a band that's from the last 10 years that i like that isn't from olympia, and it's the black lips. weird, huh?


OH! also also! here's a link to my flickr

the best thing i ever wrote

[26 Feb 2007|12:29am]
today i felt used up and out of touch. i like riding my bike in the snow. i like the sound of snowflakes hitting trees, and the way it coats my tires when i ride through drifts. i do that on purpose, even though it's not a very good idea. it's satisfying. this summer we're going to ragtag around and get drunk in the woods with our sun-kissed faces and skinned knees and grass-stained bike-chained shins. maybe it's not true at all, but it's the calming sort of open-invitation that lets me sleep at night. i want the world to be a better place than i think it is, and I want to be in it or above it, but not dragged through it. of course it won't happen, because growing up kills that sort of thing, and thinking about beauty and good looks and adulthood hurts something in me. i take it all too seriously.

calder's (steamin')circus

lately: bowled over by waves of sentimental horseshit and nostalgia. spending money on books that make my heart seize up. listening to Alex Chilton and left of the dial on repeat. Gawd, I can barely even stand it! Spend a few days in Providence, totally into it. Don't have time to figure it out, gotta get to the farmers market