the next installment of lesbian infatuations...

I'm reading Zami: A New Spelling of my Name, by Audre Lord, and it's painful to put it down to continue the rest of my life. She's writing about the neighborhood I grew up in, too, and it just slathers on another layer of longing and nostalgia. I'm trying to ration the pages so I don't blow through it too quickly, but it's a challenge to not just churn through it all at once. Thank god for books and stories and writers who've lived their lives.

The depths of my procrastination

I've spent the morning procrastinating from writing my thesis. Haven't watched a single youtube video. What I HAVE done is 1. compile a wishlist/reading list of books on America culture in the 1930s 2. Look up authors that I'm reading a lot of and see where the teach/ if they're chairing any graduate programs.

http://www.andrewroth.com/publications/killed-rejected-images-of-the-farm-security-administration/

my life is fucked.

at least i'm good at something

In the library. Again.

I'm sitting in the library at Concordia University. The sun has left us again, the clouds are back. Before I begin thesis revisions, I'm looking through a magnificent coffee table book called Gulag: Life and Death Inside the Soviet Concentration Camps. All I can think about is the relative arbitrariness of temporal vocabularies used to describe state domination, national domination, human domination. Invasion and domination and colonialism all bleed into each other somehow. How can we claim post-coloniality when we live in an age of cultural and social colonialism and control? De facto colonialism.  How can we make that distinction and still honor the experiences and histories of those living in the aftermath of structured colonialism? How can we make sense of our places on each side of the equation, which is not so much an equation as a jumbled mess of contradictory truths?

The USSR was massive. It took up a lot of space, it swallowed up a lot of space, it spread over a vast amount of space. Is size it? Can we ascertain the effect of a thing by the size of it's influence? How can you measure the size of horror? It's not just big, it's something different. Or happiness? Or do feelings exist separately from spatial quantification? Where's the overlap?

Back to the photos, back to the revisions.

Perfect morning

I spent the morning reading Vanessa Davis' Make Me a Woman and it's fucking amazing! I checked it out of the North Portland library the other day when I was picking up books to cram for the Graham Harman lecture that happened at school last night. My favorite part about the public library is the graphic novels section. That's where I found Special Exits, at the Lacey Library when I was living in Olympia.

Make Me a Woman is a bunch of diary comics, a lot of them are set in New York, some in Florida, some in California....Alexis, I think you'd really love them....they're about being jewish and they're so funny.


I also painted my nasty little claws.

my favorite portland places...

these are from TITLE WAVE, the Multnomah County Library System's used book store.

This is what Title Wave looks like

Stuff from SCRAP...difficult to see but important to notice are the bottles of gold enamel and olive green ink for $.25/ea.

2011, living in the past....just for a sec.

i just sent off a 2011 list to tobi, for jigsaw. I'd already been hitting the coffee pretty seriously by the time it was finished, and found myself thrown deep down the nostalgia rabbit hole that i kind of spend most of my time teetering on the brink of. so, i the spirit of self indulgence, which, as far as i can tell, is the spirit of blogging itself, here is my extended list of the shit that made 2011 a seriously intense and amazing year:

Going through a gnarly breakup: I quit my job, I moved out of my apartment, I started seeing a therapist, I spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling from the futon. I realized how it felt to have boundaries crossed and manipulated. I noticed my own shitty patterns. I walked out of a tornado and a year later, I can barely make out what happened. Maybe I don't ever want to go through that again, but at least I came out the other end.

Crude Thought and Hysterics- They rule. These are my two favorite bands to see live.

12:01 January 1st, 2011 at Dumpster Values- i think this charmed my whole year. So many lady drummers working this amazing sound. So cool to feel like the new year was coming in on some kind of positive, powerful wave. I went home after this and puked. At the time, I didn't feel so great about that, but maybe with a year between us, I can look back more fondly and see it as some kind of gross and positive omen.

azealia banks' "212"- this song got stuck in my brain and all i wanted to do was listen to it over and over again. it seemed to me that every time it was reviewed or mentioned, folks were seriously hung up on how raunchy it was. it doesn't seem that raunchy to me, but maybe just because i've listened to it a thousand times? (I guess, no more or less raunchy than anything else). this was the song that warmed me to people when they liked it, and cooled me to people when they just didn't get it.

the nuts release party- everyone put this show on their list because it was a seriously magical day. my favorite part was being there early, seeing all of these people visiting from out of town while all the kids were running around and playing in the space with the sun shining and bands starting to play. reading everyone elses' descriptions of the night, i feel a little square, but that was the part that made me feel so happy-- watching people trickle in and out as the crowd slowly grew, hanging out with buddies, children and grown ups and everyone really stoked to be there. also, i feel like a square a lot of the time, but whatever, i'm my own little weirdo, and i live my life differently than other people and they than mine, and i-t-s-n-o-t-a-b-i-g-d-e-a-l-!

the CLPP (Civil Liberties and Public Policy) conference at Hampshire College- I was able to go to this conference while I was on the East Coast this past April, and it totally blew my mind. So many people gathered together to fight for reproductive justice, it was so empowering and exciting. The panels and workshops were all super exciting and informative, but the closing plenary was seriously electric-- academics and activists were standing up in their seats to chime into a discussion that exploded into something beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. The auditorium was completely packed with people, and what had been presented as a panel discussion totally morphed into this amazing and totally positive and excited and deeply important talk on race, gender, sexuality, privilege and oppression... it felt so wonderful to be in a space and see this conversation modeled in such an inclusive and responsible way, to be surrounded by so many strong and brilliant people.

The end of the Red House- fuck, this could have been such a bummer. It's pretty miserable to walk by the house now and see it looking so sad with it's salmon-pukey paint and nothing going on. hanging out with gina and joey by the paddling pool and yardsale, walking up to the house with everyone milling around i the sun...I wish I could burn that days' feelings into my mind, so even if I somehow forget how much that house and the people who lived in it shaped my life in this town, i'll at least have some shock waves to lug around with me. Damn, that house was one of my favorite places in the world. drinking old english on the roof with marty, sleeping in april's bed, hanging out on the couch, shows in the basement, talking about boys with gina, cooking dinner and trying to find a clean dish....

Love and Rockets- I know this is absolutely not specific to 2011, but I spent a while this autumn tuned out from the rest of the world, drinking coffee and reading Locas. I guess if this is on the list, I've got to round it out with everything else that made me feel sentimental/nostalgic/unstoppable:
Erick Lyle's "on the lower frequencies"
Al burien's "Things are meaning less"
Trini Dalton's "Wide eyed"
this zine called "riding freight trains across the country is not the only way to risk everything with your friends"

Mother News and Doris- talking about tiny ponies with friends everywhere who've all read that issue of doris has made with world feel a little more connected. I am always so stoked to get the new issue of mother news in the mail and find batman and feel so relieved that this is out there.

rotating house game night - thanks to ben russel, lucy and chris and others for helping make this autumn and winter more bearable. i love playing apples to apples with people who hate the policestate.

wugazi- have you heard this? my friend danielle's date showed it to us while we were all hanging out, talking about woowoo vibes in the pacific northwest. My favorite tangent of 2011.

Gina's "Shit's fucked" zine- this might be the best zine I've read this year. So simple and so helpful (especially in the sense that when I read it, I feel like I'm sitting in the same room as my long-lost, gone-to-california buddy). This is some real talk self help.

Running with my mom- I wish I could have done this earlier, when my mom could still run further, but I didn't, so that's that and this is wonderful. I love visiting my family and going on runs around New York with my mom. She's got so many years of experience finding funny little routes and I love chatting with her as we go.

Easter Weekend- Blair, Caroline and Kendra made this one of the most memorable buddy hangouts of my whole life. Seriously the best day ever.

I guess there's probably more, but here are some of the things that I wanna take care of in 2012..

-I'd like to set myself a running goal. I was thinking 1000 miles in 2012, but maybe that's pushing it? 20 miles a week? I can do it. there we go. 1000 miles in 2012!!!

-I'm going to take better care of my time. I'm sick of feeling drained and overworked. Fuck that, I'm working food service and it isn't worth it. I want to go back to school in September and live my life for myself.

-I'll think of more later

--oh, i just did! I'm gunna write better letters this year!




you got anything? does anyone read this? what are you going to do next year? what ruled so hard this past year? when was the last time you brushed your teeth? I JUST WANNA KNOW WHATS UP!???!?!?

oh

I'm feeling mightily panicked, tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with my mom, but I think I might dick out and reread Things are Meaning less before I go out to the movies and watch Stranger than Paradise at BAM.

Drop out, I wanna join a gym and listen to the Cramps every moment of every day.

calder's (steamin')circus

lately: bowled over by waves of sentimental horseshit and nostalgia. spending money on books that make my heart seize up. listening to Alex Chilton and left of the dial on repeat. Gawd, I can barely even stand it! Spend a few days in Providence, totally into it. Don't have time to figure it out, gotta get to the farmers market

worth reading

i'm post-crush.

i have been thinking about how nice it would be to bake and sell cookies for extra money. I need to get better at gluten free baking, but i've got vegan and regz down pat. i'm looking at bulk supplies on dutchvalleyfoods.com. If someone happens to have some weird bulk flour hookup, lemme know?

i just finished reading salman rushdie's shame, released 2 years before I was born. i'm not feeling eloquent enough to express my opinion at the moment, so i won't.

new york city food cooperatives:

south bronx food coop
flatbush food coop
east 4th st. food coop
park slope food coop

otherwise, i am lonely and sad and perhaps it is because i need to eat better food and maybe go running a few times a week.

my library card from 3rd grade still works, i've spent the morning watching replacements videos on youtube and putting books and videos and cds on hold at the nypl. i set up my room yesterday. i've been writing letters. i'm going to a yoga class at 12:30.

i've got a walkman, no ipod.

i'd like some mix tapes for my birthday. old hip hop or girl groups from days gone by. december 14th. i'll be 22. gosh.



i walked to work today listening to the shangri-las and it was pretty awesome. kenny tested out the birthday pizza and it was very tasty. i am tired all the time, i bet it's from eating so much sugar. the film festival is in full swing, but i didn't have to volunteer tonight, thank goodness. i'm going to be visiting the east coast in a few weeks, but i'm too sleepy right now to mention much. it'll be nice to see some of my charming friends and my darling family after 6 long months of separation, plus i'll be able to gallop around some familiar cities again. i'm getting a bit worked up just thinking about how much i miss it all. it's a shame how much time i spend thinking and talking about myself and how little time i spend doing anything creative or worthwhile. shake your heads in disapproval, some things need to change.

brandon and i are starting a book club concentrating on novels that have been made into movies. we plan to read, watch, discuss, repeat. so far we have not invited any cute boys to join, but i truly believe that these are the sort of intellectual pursuits that get you laid.



i did finish reading Jonathon Franzen's How to Be Alone, and I really, really enjoyed it. Every tiny little thing. I think I might be a little in love. I'm a little ashamed of the things I'm drawn to-- straight pop, through and through-- but like I said, there's been too much space in my head dedicated to mediocre self analysis, and it's stopping right now.

goodnight, i'm asleep now.

Monday, September 10th. Great.

Right now I'm sitting in the Kill Rock Stars Warehouse, updating my blog and drinking coffee with a shot of espresso in it. I'm listening to Al Green's cover of I Wanna Hold Your Hand. Did you know that it's possible to listen to the greatest music ever made in the same place? just type "silver abuse" into last.fm and listen to "similar artists". I'm probably not supposed to be here, but I am going to do some mail order so it is not an abuse of privileges. I am not having a good day. I'm listening to This American Life to make myself feel better. I don't know if it will work. It was hot today, and I didn't do much except sweat and talk to people I only know a little bit. Also, did you know that only one person responds to my letters really consistantly?Two if you were to count my mother. I'm not going to. So, one.

I keep thinking of stupid romantic things, and it's probably because I'm tired and grumpy. I guess I should go to the gym tomorrow. I keep looking at jobs on the internet, and I think if I want to do something real I need to move to Seattle or Portland. So I don't know...It's not a choice I really want to make-- I like Olympia right now, and I don't know much about Seattle or Portland.

I'm not homesick, I'm just feeling down. I kind of miss the wowhaus with my room with all of my stuff and people to talk to and lounge with.

I'm reading Slouching Towards Bethlehem by Joan Didion and I think she ends her pieces really well. It makes my heart sieze up.

my new book (that i made!)

also, this is a not-too-flattering photo from minneapolis, but it is the only one i took, so it will have to suffice. also, i was in minneapolis for a week TA-ing at the University of MN Design Camp, so that was cool. now, i am back in olympia and am throwing capitalization to the wind. I wrote a piece of writing that will be mailed out to those i deem least likely to criticize. i am looking for a #2 job. i moved into a lovely new room and i don't have a single piece of furniture.

this is my book. she is lovely.

look at these photographs

This is the charming dude that I embroidered on the back of my tshirt. he is about 2 inches across and dead center.













This guy on the right is simply a gratuitous photograph of my cluttered room, and is also meant to show off the records i bought at a yard sale for $.25 each (john lee hooker! edith piaf! ancient country recordings!!!!!!).














this is my filthy room. i am a slob and it's just something you're going to have to deal with if you actually care about me. if i had my druthers, i would while away the rest of my days at yardsales, picking through piles of cast off junk and convincing myself that I really need another old thermos, cat painting or pair of gingham overall shorts.

here are two of the books that i have made so far, shown with a photograph of a chimpanzee playing roughly with a bear cub.

if you're reading my life on the internet, you should leave a comment.

Look, to keep things on a positive note, I've been reading a lot of craft blogs. you know, on the world wide web. These blogs, on top of the regular dorky vegan cooking blogs I usually read, are really blowing my mind as to the totally brilliant and awesome things that people are doing in the world. for instance, had you ever thought of crocheting a squid? or cross stitching princess toadstool onto the sleeve of your dress shirt?

I've been making some pathetic attempts to emulate the crafting genius that lives on the internet, and so far, I'm falling pretty short. My Woody Allen embroidery is messy and not very convincing, and my funny little doodle embroideries pale in comparison to the epic portraiture of the interweb.

so yeah. I'm going to see if I can get some of the books I've made consigned at dumpster values. I went on a jog this morning and rode my bike up the hill twice. I've been feeling really weird about some things, so I'm trying to tire myself out and keep my mind off of things I'm better off not dwelling on. I think I'm going to see Spider and The Webs play with Sex Vid tonight. Whatever, Who Cares, this is SUMMER VACATION.



bummer, though, man. I miss hanging out with friends. Don't forget about me if you're out there, reading this in cyberspace. I've also got an actual, real life couch that I'd love for you to snuggle up on if you feel like paying me a visit*.


*offer only extended to actual friends and not any old person who stumbles over here.

so i finished college...

I've been a prize-winning graduate of a fully accredited collegiate institution for over a week, and I haven't done anything particularly notable. I've mulled over the troubling implications of flipping between "the biggest loser", a weight-loss reality TV show, and "barefoot contessa", a sickeningly heavy-on-the-butter show on the food network. I've begun to compile a master book-list, for the television-less time in the near future when I will once again be an independent woman, no longer suckling from the parental teat of full refrigerators and cable television. I've been listening to This American Life while playing tetris.

so that's my life, and this is the aforementioned book list.

David Foster Wallace A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll never do Again
Umberto Eco How to Travel with a Salmon and other stories
Amy Hempel Collected Stories
Matthew Derby Super Flat Times
Ben Marcus The Age of Wire and String
John Fante Ask the Dust
Miranda July Nobody Belongs Here More than You
Dave Eggers What is the What
Gary Lutz Stories in the Worst Way
David Ohle Motorman
Raymond Carver Where I'm Calling From: Selected Stories
Grace Paley The Collected Stories
Sarah Vowell Assassination Vacation
John Hodgman My Areas of Expertise


So there. I've got a blog.