christmas sucks

on one hand, i am staying up too late eating candy, and on the other hand, i am processing my past and future. i've been temping all week, stuffing envelopes and gossiping with the other temps. tonight, walking home, someone was playing sentimental spanish music really loudly and I thought about abandoned buildings and things that ended a long time ago and how i eat too much sugar. it was a pretty obvious sort of logic-- self involvement tinged with nostalgia and a touch of corny bullshit. still, it feels nice to walk home after an evening of sitting on the floor smoking cigarettes, eating and making plans. sometimes i feel like my whole entire life is a mess of plans that I use to comfort myself and shape my identity, but that never reach fruition. it's time to follow through, to realize these ideas and step out from the shadow of what could have been. it's a really good thing that i don't have a job, because i don't have enough time for anything. i wish that Pascale Boucicaut, Cole Callahan, Max Roseglass, Erika Rumbley, Mark Strain, Gina Sarti, Kennedy Holmes, Caroline Goldsmith, Ashley and Anjelica Freeman would call me up, send me letters and be around.

going back to new york city, going to feel the wind in my hair. going to come back to the northwest feeling whole and happy again. already excited.

mom and i have plans. she'll pick me up at the airport at 8am and we'll get breakfast at the waverly for old times sake on my part. we'll go to museums and the hospital and enjoy the time we spend together.

erika and anna and chris and i have plans. we're going to fall in love with each other, at least, that's what my plans for the trip home are. i'm going to fall hopelessly back in love with everyone. life in olympia's been bumming me out. i feel sad and empty a lot of the time. i think about boys a lot, and not enough about the things that will make me happier.

i've got a walkman, no ipod.

i'd like some mix tapes for my birthday. old hip hop or girl groups from days gone by. december 14th. i'll be 22. gosh.



i walked to work today listening to the shangri-las and it was pretty awesome. kenny tested out the birthday pizza and it was very tasty. i am tired all the time, i bet it's from eating so much sugar. the film festival is in full swing, but i didn't have to volunteer tonight, thank goodness. i'm going to be visiting the east coast in a few weeks, but i'm too sleepy right now to mention much. it'll be nice to see some of my charming friends and my darling family after 6 long months of separation, plus i'll be able to gallop around some familiar cities again. i'm getting a bit worked up just thinking about how much i miss it all. it's a shame how much time i spend thinking and talking about myself and how little time i spend doing anything creative or worthwhile. shake your heads in disapproval, some things need to change.

brandon and i are starting a book club concentrating on novels that have been made into movies. we plan to read, watch, discuss, repeat. so far we have not invited any cute boys to join, but i truly believe that these are the sort of intellectual pursuits that get you laid.



i did finish reading Jonathon Franzen's How to Be Alone, and I really, really enjoyed it. Every tiny little thing. I think I might be a little in love. I'm a little ashamed of the things I'm drawn to-- straight pop, through and through-- but like I said, there's been too much space in my head dedicated to mediocre self analysis, and it's stopping right now.

goodnight, i'm asleep now.