budget lifestyle

today i wrote out a whole fucking BUDGET for my life for the time i'm in grad school. still needs some revising, but i already know that i'm being grossly unrealistic in regards to the fucking fortune i spend on 1) groceries 2)tchotchkes 3)bottles of wine. I am being realistic in the knowledge that I never take the bus or buy new clothes.

midnight soul spilling

today ruled. went on a run, dug a new garden bed and then sat on the porch reading ariel schrag 'cause i thought i was gunna feel too stupid trying to power on through the trillion page spivak book. lisa called, so i went and sat at the coffee shop next to the drum shop and waited for her to finish teaching. i think the hardest part of the spivak book is the introduction, or else, the first chapter feels way more accessible, thank god. the introduction left me feeling so defeated.

kevin and i hung out yesterday and went and saw 'being john malcovich' at the academy theater. it felt really good to bike out to 82nd. It's nice to see the neighborhoods shift. I like the area around 52nd a lot. nice houses. Kevin was talking about moving away, which I would fucking do if I hadn't just moved here, but still made me sad 'cause i was stoked to hang out with him in portland, but i didn't say anything. (it's ok to talk about real people in a blog, right? 'cause barely anyone reads this?)


allie told me she thinks i've got my shit together, which is the second time someones said that and i've been shocked. maybe my standards are fucked, or maybe i keep it together more than i think i do, but i am completely at a loss for what the fuck i'm doing. when kevin asked what i was going to study yesterday i started talking, and then couldn't stop, even though i wasn't making sense....it was seriously straight out of junior high, where you hope to god that if you just bullshit enough something will make sense. except i was trying to talk about something i care about, and just listened to complete nonsense spewing out of my face.


i also started writing my loneliness zine, which i think will be offered in installments.

It's the end of March, a wonderful time in the world. Allergy-free, thank GAWD, I'm able to see the trees through clear little eyes and smell the smells through uncrusted nostrils. Contrary and Stubborn as ever, not to mention hopelessly behind the times, I've decided to settle on some New Years Resolutions. What a miserable time to turn over, in January. Much better to wait until misery can be squashed down for another nine months. SO, this year, I, Hannah Horovitz, r, e, s, o, l, v, e, , , , t , , ,o,,,,,

1. Collect as many items designed or written By Leanne Shapton. This resolution actually, really, sort of doubles as a resolution to do more than just scramble desperately at every book I can get for cheap at the library book sales and be more thoughtful about how pretty everything looks on the shelf, as well as how perfectly intelligent I can make myself appear.



2. Run a lot. More than a mile. check. More than 3 miles. check. More than 5 miles. Check. I will continue to shock and amaze even myself, if not others, with my motivation, stamina and wheedling others to join me on jogs around routes I've mapped out on google.

3. Don't fucking date anyone. In the spirit of youth and lust for life, I will be thoroughly disappointed in myself if I fail to break this resolution, but there's nothing like being able to say "I told you so" to your very own destroyed self that spares those around you from enduring the endless recounting of the ravages of failed romance.

4. Focus more on creating and less on looking at photos on the internet. Ideas: embroidery, songs about how little care I have for Tom Waits and fans of that man, chipper letters to friends and mom, figuring out how I can buy and decorate a nice little house all of my own, managing to get into grad school without any motivation or effort.

5. Just because the cookies I've made are gluten and sugar free does not mean that I'm not going to feel sick when I eat five of them, even if it's just to see if they taste ok.

6. Grow my hair long enough to tie it into a side bun.


7. Have sales of embroidery and patches fund or supplement my internet and real-life record shopping problem.

8. Nix dichotomies and binaries in favor of more nuanced outlooks and perspectives.

9. Work on breaking out of negative cycles and making different mistakes than the ones my parents and theirs before them have made.

10. Go live on that farm with Erika and Jonna in TN and see if I can talk them into learning to rollerblade with me. From there, go on to suggest that we revolutionize the transportation we rely on to include goofy foot powered options.

My imaginary life in Iowa Cityhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

I'll wake up in the morning in my Spacious one-bedroom apartment. I'll ride my bike over to volunteer at the Museum of Natural History before my classes. I'll be working towards my Masters in Library and Information Science, with a Certificate in Book Arts. I plan to take some sexuality studies clashttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifses as well.

when I have some spare time, I will play with my pet goat. I won't have a lot of free time, though, as I will be so busy with my radio show on Radio Iowa City, my community garden plot, my part time job, my band, maintaining the newly established doily museum, learning to drive my awesome car, and making out with my boyfriend.

I'll eat dinner here and shop here. I'll pick up my birth control here

seeing your soul in photographs

the past few nights have been full of crazy dreams, all anxiety and worry and fears leaking out and soaking into every dream-spot. last night was imagined disco balls spilling light and sound and video across rooms and walls and faces, such a change from rejection and disappointment ballooning out of control and ruining any hope for restful sleep. It's so different to wake up awake. I'm escaping New York on November 14th, back to Olympia for however long. I've got an idea of what's out there and I'm ok with it. I feel like molasses and roofing tar and toothpaste and I want to be alone and listen to the Clash and The Breeders and Brian Eno. SO THERE!

i watched the holy mountain at 12:15 am with kendra. The latest I've been awake in months, unless you're counting vacation. I feel like possibilities are just pawing at the ground, lurking in the shadows of the near-future just out of sight, and i'm scrambling to draw them close and stare them down and see what they're made of, but they just scamper away the moment I brush up against them. I'm quitting my job to force them out from the dusk, to shine a spotlight into the corners and give myself to potential.