seeing your soul in photographs

the past few nights have been full of crazy dreams, all anxiety and worry and fears leaking out and soaking into every dream-spot. last night was imagined disco balls spilling light and sound and video across rooms and walls and faces, such a change from rejection and disappointment ballooning out of control and ruining any hope for restful sleep. It's so different to wake up awake. I'm escaping New York on November 14th, back to Olympia for however long. I've got an idea of what's out there and I'm ok with it. I feel like molasses and roofing tar and toothpaste and I want to be alone and listen to the Clash and The Breeders and Brian Eno. SO THERE!

the best thing i ever wrote

[26 Feb 2007|12:29am]
today i felt used up and out of touch. i like riding my bike in the snow. i like the sound of snowflakes hitting trees, and the way it coats my tires when i ride through drifts. i do that on purpose, even though it's not a very good idea. it's satisfying. this summer we're going to ragtag around and get drunk in the woods with our sun-kissed faces and skinned knees and grass-stained bike-chained shins. maybe it's not true at all, but it's the calming sort of open-invitation that lets me sleep at night. i want the world to be a better place than i think it is, and I want to be in it or above it, but not dragged through it. of course it won't happen, because growing up kills that sort of thing, and thinking about beauty and good looks and adulthood hurts something in me. i take it all too seriously.

my cultural commentary of the hour.

ashley from top chef is a total BABE!

oh

I'm feeling mightily panicked, tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with my mom, but I think I might dick out and reread Things are Meaning less before I go out to the movies and watch Stranger than Paradise at BAM.

Drop out, I wanna join a gym and listen to the Cramps every moment of every day.

i watched the holy mountain at 12:15 am with kendra. The latest I've been awake in months, unless you're counting vacation. I feel like possibilities are just pawing at the ground, lurking in the shadows of the near-future just out of sight, and i'm scrambling to draw them close and stare them down and see what they're made of, but they just scamper away the moment I brush up against them. I'm quitting my job to force them out from the dusk, to shine a spotlight into the corners and give myself to potential.

I'm moving into the houseboat TODAY!

no sleep in brooklyn

oh gawd, i can't listen to the replacements if i'm trying to fend off worry and an aching heart.

so I was just having a conversation with a person in my bedroom and as I sat leaning on the edge of my bed, talking about tarot and mysticism, trying to articulate my thoughts on how we process our worries and concerns, I had the uncanny feeling (and it was certainly a feeling, not a thought) that I didn't exist outside of my voice and body. My thoughts and ideas were only real as I heard myself speak them aloud, and that I was completely and totally alone, inside myself. I've never, not even once in my life, had this feeling before, and I know this because it was wholly shocking and unfamiliar. The closest I've come is the feeling I often had, when I was younger, that I was desperately afraid of growing old and dying. I felt as though when that person left the room, I would be lost and untethered and floating. It was like emotional vertigo, and I'm all shook up.

two feelins and a troof

1. i'm moving onto a houseboat.
20. i'm so tired all the time i don't see the point of working so much other than this nagging sense of obligation.
54. i am feeling super burned out, i'm bogging in the deets.


extra: don't wanna be a girlfiend and i don't watch tv shows.

cold chili

me and my new best friend, blair's pregnant cat, are having some quality hang out time near the computer.