i watched the holy mountain at 12:15 am with kendra. The latest I've been awake in months, unless you're counting vacation. I feel like possibilities are just pawing at the ground, lurking in the shadows of the near-future just out of sight, and i'm scrambling to draw them close and stare them down and see what they're made of, but they just scamper away the moment I brush up against them. I'm quitting my job to force them out from the dusk, to shine a spotlight into the corners and give myself to potential.

I'm moving into the houseboat TODAY!

no sleep in brooklyn

oh gawd, i can't listen to the replacements if i'm trying to fend off worry and an aching heart.

so I was just having a conversation with a person in my bedroom and as I sat leaning on the edge of my bed, talking about tarot and mysticism, trying to articulate my thoughts on how we process our worries and concerns, I had the uncanny feeling (and it was certainly a feeling, not a thought) that I didn't exist outside of my voice and body. My thoughts and ideas were only real as I heard myself speak them aloud, and that I was completely and totally alone, inside myself. I've never, not even once in my life, had this feeling before, and I know this because it was wholly shocking and unfamiliar. The closest I've come is the feeling I often had, when I was younger, that I was desperately afraid of growing old and dying. I felt as though when that person left the room, I would be lost and untethered and floating. It was like emotional vertigo, and I'm all shook up.