2011, living in the past....just for a sec.

i just sent off a 2011 list to tobi, for jigsaw. I'd already been hitting the coffee pretty seriously by the time it was finished, and found myself thrown deep down the nostalgia rabbit hole that i kind of spend most of my time teetering on the brink of. so, i the spirit of self indulgence, which, as far as i can tell, is the spirit of blogging itself, here is my extended list of the shit that made 2011 a seriously intense and amazing year:

Going through a gnarly breakup: I quit my job, I moved out of my apartment, I started seeing a therapist, I spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling from the futon. I realized how it felt to have boundaries crossed and manipulated. I noticed my own shitty patterns. I walked out of a tornado and a year later, I can barely make out what happened. Maybe I don't ever want to go through that again, but at least I came out the other end.

Crude Thought and Hysterics- They rule. These are my two favorite bands to see live.

12:01 January 1st, 2011 at Dumpster Values- i think this charmed my whole year. So many lady drummers working this amazing sound. So cool to feel like the new year was coming in on some kind of positive, powerful wave. I went home after this and puked. At the time, I didn't feel so great about that, but maybe with a year between us, I can look back more fondly and see it as some kind of gross and positive omen.

azealia banks' "212"- this song got stuck in my brain and all i wanted to do was listen to it over and over again. it seemed to me that every time it was reviewed or mentioned, folks were seriously hung up on how raunchy it was. it doesn't seem that raunchy to me, but maybe just because i've listened to it a thousand times? (I guess, no more or less raunchy than anything else). this was the song that warmed me to people when they liked it, and cooled me to people when they just didn't get it.

the nuts release party- everyone put this show on their list because it was a seriously magical day. my favorite part was being there early, seeing all of these people visiting from out of town while all the kids were running around and playing in the space with the sun shining and bands starting to play. reading everyone elses' descriptions of the night, i feel a little square, but that was the part that made me feel so happy-- watching people trickle in and out as the crowd slowly grew, hanging out with buddies, children and grown ups and everyone really stoked to be there. also, i feel like a square a lot of the time, but whatever, i'm my own little weirdo, and i live my life differently than other people and they than mine, and i-t-s-n-o-t-a-b-i-g-d-e-a-l-!

the CLPP (Civil Liberties and Public Policy) conference at Hampshire College- I was able to go to this conference while I was on the East Coast this past April, and it totally blew my mind. So many people gathered together to fight for reproductive justice, it was so empowering and exciting. The panels and workshops were all super exciting and informative, but the closing plenary was seriously electric-- academics and activists were standing up in their seats to chime into a discussion that exploded into something beyond what I could have ever imagined possible. The auditorium was completely packed with people, and what had been presented as a panel discussion totally morphed into this amazing and totally positive and excited and deeply important talk on race, gender, sexuality, privilege and oppression... it felt so wonderful to be in a space and see this conversation modeled in such an inclusive and responsible way, to be surrounded by so many strong and brilliant people.

The end of the Red House- fuck, this could have been such a bummer. It's pretty miserable to walk by the house now and see it looking so sad with it's salmon-pukey paint and nothing going on. hanging out with gina and joey by the paddling pool and yardsale, walking up to the house with everyone milling around i the sun...I wish I could burn that days' feelings into my mind, so even if I somehow forget how much that house and the people who lived in it shaped my life in this town, i'll at least have some shock waves to lug around with me. Damn, that house was one of my favorite places in the world. drinking old english on the roof with marty, sleeping in april's bed, hanging out on the couch, shows in the basement, talking about boys with gina, cooking dinner and trying to find a clean dish....

Love and Rockets- I know this is absolutely not specific to 2011, but I spent a while this autumn tuned out from the rest of the world, drinking coffee and reading Locas. I guess if this is on the list, I've got to round it out with everything else that made me feel sentimental/nostalgic/unstoppable:
Erick Lyle's "on the lower frequencies"
Al burien's "Things are meaning less"
Trini Dalton's "Wide eyed"
this zine called "riding freight trains across the country is not the only way to risk everything with your friends"

Mother News and Doris- talking about tiny ponies with friends everywhere who've all read that issue of doris has made with world feel a little more connected. I am always so stoked to get the new issue of mother news in the mail and find batman and feel so relieved that this is out there.

rotating house game night - thanks to ben russel, lucy and chris and others for helping make this autumn and winter more bearable. i love playing apples to apples with people who hate the policestate.

wugazi- have you heard this? my friend danielle's date showed it to us while we were all hanging out, talking about woowoo vibes in the pacific northwest. My favorite tangent of 2011.

Gina's "Shit's fucked" zine- this might be the best zine I've read this year. So simple and so helpful (especially in the sense that when I read it, I feel like I'm sitting in the same room as my long-lost, gone-to-california buddy). This is some real talk self help.

Running with my mom- I wish I could have done this earlier, when my mom could still run further, but I didn't, so that's that and this is wonderful. I love visiting my family and going on runs around New York with my mom. She's got so many years of experience finding funny little routes and I love chatting with her as we go.

Easter Weekend- Blair, Caroline and Kendra made this one of the most memorable buddy hangouts of my whole life. Seriously the best day ever.

I guess there's probably more, but here are some of the things that I wanna take care of in 2012..

-I'd like to set myself a running goal. I was thinking 1000 miles in 2012, but maybe that's pushing it? 20 miles a week? I can do it. there we go. 1000 miles in 2012!!!

-I'm going to take better care of my time. I'm sick of feeling drained and overworked. Fuck that, I'm working food service and it isn't worth it. I want to go back to school in September and live my life for myself.

-I'll think of more later

--oh, i just did! I'm gunna write better letters this year!




you got anything? does anyone read this? what are you going to do next year? what ruled so hard this past year? when was the last time you brushed your teeth? I JUST WANNA KNOW WHATS UP!???!?!?

when i was a freshman in college i lent this guy i was crushing on a copy of things are meaning less. what's up with how little my cultural worldview has changed that i'm still referencing the same shit that blew my mind when i was 17? why can't i just do my laundry and get a job in publishing or something. date a 40 year old who's a lot smarter than i am. ai, i wanna live in a city.

can you play this song at my funeral?

so, in february i'll be going down to Guatemala to study Spanish at the PLQE mountain school. I'm going to meet my dad in Mexico and hang tuff with pops for a week before coming home. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get from Xela to Mexico City, and where I should stop on the way.

oh shit, my name is hannah and i am a girl in the world, growing out her hair, reading books and chilling out. yo, check this: how come all my friends can't live in the same place, i'm gunna write about THAT for national novel writing month. boom boom boom, happy halloween.

halloween is coming up. here are some costume ideas:

siouxsie sioux
a sick cat with a cone over its little head

today was one of those days when i missed being a smoker so terribly. all i wanted to do was casually chain smoke. goddamnit!!!!

tomorrow at 10:30am, i'm hangin up 218 old photographs at the capitol theatre. i'm supposed to hang up 250-300, but two of the rolls of film that i'd planned on developing got exposed to the ravages of the sun and totally perished. this has been a weird experience for me. my mom nicely went through my old bedroom and found all of the squirrel hoards of photos i'd buried over the years. i've been staring at these hundreds of photos a lot over this past week and it's starting to feel like the kind of nightmare intro from an old timey cartoon where you descend into a swirling maelstrom of cackling math teachers and bicycles (which reminds me, suddenly, that there weren't any pictures of cathal and my halloween costumes from 2006 or 2005, can't remember...whichever one where we were an owl and speed racer), except i'm stuck at the moment right before you touch down and the alternate dream narrative/hefelumps-and-woozles-song-and-dance-number kicks in. just staring at all of the ominous pieces of history without any of the in between moments to wind them together into any kind of thread-of-a-story.

so here's some stuff i've learned about this very particular documentation of my past:
-i often stick my finger in front of part of the lens
-we got wasted a lot in highschool
-i smoked like a chimney
-i took a lot of photos of my closest friends, many of whom i don't hang out with anymore....paola, ariel, cara...
-group shots are always really boring
-alexia is really funny
-i only have 10 friends

uuuhhhh, sorry i haven't scanned any of the good ones, so you'll just have to take my word for it, but i HAVE managed to have captured some pretty ok moments. not 218 of them, there's a lot of filler....but, whatever.

OH! also! i figured out a band that's from the last 10 years that i like that isn't from olympia, and it's the black lips. weird, huh?


OH! also also! here's a link to my flickr

stuff i'm really into right now

-chili bean paste
-hanging out by myself
-anti pasti
-looking through photos
-grace paley
-thinking about what kind of life i would be living if i sold all of my clothes and started grad school and learned spanish
-not looking at facebook right now
-playing apples to apples with buddies and realizing that i'm totally in line with the same freaky weirdness that we're all into
-miso soup
-tidying up the kitchen
-hoping i'll get something in the mail
-

stuff that's really bringing me down

-that i'm breaking out like a 15 year old
-my paycheck
-my wrist is fucked up from making kombucha and i can't really afford to quit
-facebook
-everyone's facebook updates
-the stuff people post on each others' facebook pages
-not being able to stop staring at facebook
-the united states government
-how i wish i wanted to go running today
-"my career"
-how come i never wanna party anymore!?!?!?!?!
-

i am feeling grumpier than ever and thinking about how nice it would be to fall in love and get the fuck out of olympia. i'm stuck in a worm hole where all i do is read comic books and go running and eat candy and wish things were different. there. a little insight into some seriously boring plod-of-time-shit to pour into the internet ether.

hi oliver! sorry, i guess this is a little gross, but i don't think anyone reads this blog but you. i miss you, brother. i kind of want to talk on the phone, but i'd much rather just hang out. how about you come and visit me again? we can climb mt. rainier or mt. st. helens if that'll get you here. or you could send me a letter.

i don't know where i'm expecting to get a ride to, but i've been checking the craiglist rideshare a few times a day as i do my embarrassing internet sweep of weird recipe blogs, pictures of shoes, youtube videos, missed connections and free stuff. I guess I've replaced new job and new house with getting the hell outta dodge.

i'm also on cup of coffee #2, and i can feel the nervousness setting in. i don't really have enough time to go running today, but i think i might have to if i can't shake this feeling (that i seriously brought on myself and am entirely responsible for). I've been running a lot recently, and my mornings have begun to follow this script:

SHE WAKES UP. SQUINTS AT CLOCK, CAN'T SEE IT THROUGH CLUTTER ON DESK, DOESN'T CARE. STARTS TO CARE, SITS UP IN BED TO SEE CLOCK, REALIZES THAT THERE'S NO STOPPING IT NOW AND SHE'S AWAKE. 7AM. LIES HEAD BACK DOWN AND STARES AT CLOCK FOR HALF AN HOUR. THEN,

(internally) hannah: i don't want to go running today. i don't need to. i can take a day off.

SHE THROWS OFF THE BLANKETS, LEAVING THEM CRUMPLED ON HER BED AS SHE GOES TO WASH HER FACE. FROM THERE, SHE HEADS TO THE KITCHEN WHERE SHE MAKES COFFEE. RETURNS TO THE BEDROOM WITH MUG AND SITS IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER TO READ BLOGS, FACEBOOK AND PLAY SCRABBLE (BADLY). FINISHES CUP OF COFFEE, BRIEFLY EXITS, RETURNS WITH FULL MUG.

HALFWAY THROUGH SECOND MUG,

(internally) hannah: oh no. i feel weird. i drank too much coffee. I've gotta go running. just a short run.

PUTS ON RUNNING CLOTHES AND SHOES, EXITS. RETURNS AN HOUR LATER, DRIPPING WITH SWEAT, HAVING RUN 6 MILES WITHOUT PLANNING ON IT AGAIN.





i've also expanded my dreamdate to include BOTH watching a meteor shower and eating sugar cereal, as opposed to the previous one or the other scenerio. gotta dream big to fall in LUV!

i started an etsy shop!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/totallydreaming


i swear it'll get better!

updater!!!!

so babies, here's a running list of names get stuck in my head: oi polloi, scritti politti


just two, but i like their rhyme.

New Issue of the Hair Zine is out!!!

Issue #2 of the Hair Zine: Friends and Family is finally out. Featuring interviews with two moms on cancer, one mom comic, one dad story, and an interview with a hairdresser. new issue features a centerfold and bag of hair.

my VHS collection

As of January 9, 2011

The pink panther strikes again
the Red Balloon
Diary of a mad housewife
episode #14 of the prisoner
episode #1 of twin peaks
The Princess Bride
Reality Bites
The Jesus and Mary Chain : videos 1985- 1989
Sonic Youth: Screaming fields of sonic love
Being John Malcovich
Drowning Mona
Sliding Doors
Stranger than paradise
Tank Girl
Hannah and Her sisters
Phat Beach
Nine Months

DVDs are:

Paper Rad: Trash Talking
Ladies and Gentlemen: The Fabulous stains (old bootleg)
Le Samourai
Branded to Kill
Take the Money and Run



in other news, this is the list that's making me feel best about my lazy old overworked self right now. time to leave the house and buy some coffee for goodness sakes. time to take a terrific vacation to the warmest place to be found instead of poaching candy canes off of the faded christmas tree in search of a fleeting sugar rush.time to quit patting myself on the back for a motley list of movies i barely make it all the way through.




blllllllaaaaaaahhhhh.